Episode 55 – Hesitating on Decision

This is Rebecca Clark. Episode 55. Hesitating on decisions This’ll past is for anyone that knows they haven’t yet found and offered up their best work but are compelled to seek it out and do it. Are you ready to move your desk as I go through this period of intense personal growth and change? I’m finding out a lot about myself, and I think that as I share what I’ve learned, some of you that know me think Well, I already knew that about you. But it’s so interesting that I didn’t fully realize that about me, or I’m realizing it now in different ways than I did in the past, because it’s a reflective exercise toward personal change for now and in the future. And one of the things that keeps coming up as I review journals and review life experiences is that I hesitate a lot. Ah, whole lot more than I thought I was in a very fast pace job over the last few years, and before that I was in a fast paced job, and before that I was in a fast paced job. And so in those environments, I learned how to make decisions, and I could think strategically and tactically think of trade offs and risks and all of these different decisions. But I’m realizing that there is a lot more hesitation in there than I thought, especially when it came to my personal life. And hesitation is an interesting word. Toe, look up. I have this quote book I forgot I had. It’s huge, and you can easily search quotes now online and everybody shares thumb. But I wanted to read a couple quotes about hesitation from Bertolt Brecht. It’s all right to hesitate if you then go ahead from Henry A. Kissinger and crisis. Boldness is the safest course. Hesitation encourages the adversary to persevere, maybe even to raise the ante. And this matters to me because as I reflect on my life, I’m having new regrets about old experiences. And even though I’m a person that doesn’t dwell on the past, I do appreciate looking at the past, to learn lessons, to feel remorse or regret and then go. What do I do next? How do I not make that mistake again? And I’ve had that a lot lately. I consistently have regrets about relationships in the past and the lack of relationships. It was almost like I was running from getting too close to people. And I mean that in the context of family of roommates, of guys of work. It’s almost like I get close to people. But then I hold back, and I know from my own thoughts and for my journals that this was a fear of being rejected right of someone else coming along that they’d like better. They prefer spending time with or when it comes to men and women, that there’d always be someone more beautiful, more talented, more kind, more loving. Isn’t that crazy? Like there’s so many different kinds of people in the world. We can’t be all of them. We can’t be loved by everyone, right? Some people just aren’t gonna like us. And yet when we judge ourselves before we even talk to others, we put ourselves in a situation where we’re failing even before we begin. It’s very sad to look back at, and yet I know that thes experiences can become our greatest teachers. It can teach us that there is power and being decisive and moving forward and having fear. But having courage along with that fear. I’ve talked about some of this in pieces and parts and other episodes, but it’s kind of coming to the forefront as I look back on situations that I wish I had done differently and opportunities that were lost because of my fear because of my insecurities. And I never fully stepped into myself like what I wanted and didn’t fully step into taking the risks that would get me better outcomes. I hesitated a lot, but I found this other quote and it’s from James Thurber. And he says he who hesitates is sometimes saved. And this past weekend I had the experience that taught me that sometimes hesitating is okay and it can save our lives. And it’s because I decide to go to the grocery store and I’m sitting at a red light. The light turns green, and I did what I always do. You know, I think I looked to the left and the right cause I always do that. But I also just kind of tapped the accelerator slightly, and then I do the next kind of pushed to accelerate because I’ve learned that my four cylinder car just seems like it responds better if I just give it a slight tap to kind of let it know Hey, I’m gonna get started and then do the actual acceleration. And I did that, but I just did the slight tap. And then suddenly there’s this large object that I see to the left side of me. Time slowed down. I get extremely focused in danger. And in that one or two seconds, I just thought, Wait a second, that car’s gonna hit me and I didn’t do anything. It was so fast. And then it hit me. And then it was sliding 30 feet forward, and I was just sitting there kind of in shock. And I probably still am in shock. I don’t know. There so many emotions and thoughts running through my mind associated with this event. My first thought was to put it in Park wouldn’t go in park. I couldn’t get anything to adjust. I went to do the emergency brake, and for some reason it felt like it was already down like it had already executed. And then I tried to take the keys out and the keys wouldn’t come out either. So at that point, I’m thinking I don’t want to be in here. If the car blows up and I go to get out and there’s a guy at my window saying, Are you okay? Anything wrong? And I said, I’m just kind of confused. He’s like you did nothing wrong. A woman ran a red light, so I got out of the car. The other people were frantic. I was. I asked how they’re doing. Stayed calm with the police. Reports, stayed calm when they towed our cars, which are most likely totaled, and I took a cart and a single from the trunk of my car before it was towed, and I just walked home because the accident happened right where we live. It was a very strange and yet calming experience at that moment, and in that moment I’m glad that I hesitated. Unlike the moments I shared at the beginning, where have regrets about hesitating? And so even though I have all these podcasts about seeking out and doing your best work and offering it up and feeling compelled to take thes journeys and these adventures amongst that, there does have to be the wisdom to know when to hesitate now in the case of car accidents. You don’t have much time to make a decision, and you can beat yourself up over the what ifs. What if she had swerved? What if she had seen me? What if I had accelerated? What if I just hadn’t gone to the store? I didn’t really need to at that moment. What if? What if? But it happened. And no matter how great you are managing your life, these things happen and they service teachers for us going forward. But I would offer that at least you and I think about this hesitating thing so that when we hesitate going forward, we take a moment to be aware off why and ask yourself questions and my hesitating because there’s real danger and my hesitating because I’m afraid and my hesitating because I’m insecure and my hesitating because I don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings, and that’s a good reason or my hesitating because I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. But in the process, I’m hurting my own, and I’m not honoring myself. Um, I hesitating for the right reasons. Am I coming from a good place when I hesitate from a place of I trust my gut. I should wait, you know, beyond personal relationships and beyond car accidents, when you’re at work and you’re the new person or you’re in a new environment and you just realize you know you have some fears, but you want to do a good job. But maybe you should hesitate and learn something from those around you. What have they already done? What if they already tried what didn’t work? What did work? Maybe you don’t know enough yet. Maybe it’s a good time to ask questions instead of making judgments or proposing solutions. Maybe it’s OK not to be first, it’s something. Maybe it’s OK not to be the best of it right now. Maybe there’s something else you need to experience or learn first, before you step into whatever it is. And this takes wisdom over time, which means there’s going to be mistakes. There’s gonna be wrong choices. You’re gonna leap sometimes when you should have hesitated. You’re gonna hesitate sometimes when you should have taken the leap. The key is to be aware of it, and as you become aware of it, you can start making those decisions from the right place of emotion. And then you can start trusting yourself more and becoming decisive where it matters, hesitating where it matters and knowing that no matter what you do, they’re still going to be things like car accidents that you may not have any control over. But you have control over how you respond and react going forward from those. So just some thoughts to think about as you figure out how to offer up your best work. Have a great day. Thanks for listening to the show today. If you enjoyed it, I’d love. If you write a review and share the show with your friends, sign up for a weekly nudge at. Move your desk dot com. See you next Monday.