Episode 110 – Self-Sabotage at Work

This is Rebecca Clark Episode 110. Self Sabotage at work. This podcast is for anyone that knows they haven’t yet found and offered up their best work but are compelled to seek it out and do it. Are you ready to move your desk? Mm mm. Over the last few weeks I have been going live on facebook each week doing a live coaching or training session in my move your desk uplevel your work group and it’s been really fun for me. I’ve enjoyed covering a variety of topics and I will continue with this approach and possibly opened it up to linkedin and instagram at some point soon. I thought it would be fun today to share with you one of the facebook lives that I have edited and have put on Youtube but also wanted to offer it as a podcast just to share with you some of the thoughts about self sabotage at work. We all do it, We’ve all seen it done. We may all wonder about why we do it. And so please take a listen to this episode. As I explore the topic and I would love to hear your feedback. We are up leveling in our work and today I actually want to work through an actual client scenario and she’s not going to be on today, but I’m going to use what we had talked through in a coaching session this last week because it was very fascinating to see the self sabotage at work. It can fool us, right? Because once in a while we will get these spiritual promptings right? A real insight telling us, no, don’t go after that, even though it seems like the best idea don’t do it. But sometimes that’s just fear and not inspiration. So pay attention to this as you go through this. So, self sabotage, I just pulled a definition from the dictionary behaviors or thought patterns that hold you back and prevent you from doing what you want to do, right? And that’s very important. This isn’t sabotage coming from an external force, this is you my friends and you all do it and so do I. And that’s why I love talking about it, because I’m learning more about it as I go through the process of up leveling and so I come as an expert self sabotage er, to this discussion, and I hope that we can all learn and grow and help ourselves through this process. And I think one of the biggest things is to notice it, right, that notice when we’re doing it and notice when we’re fooling ourselves and thinking that were inspired not to take a step. It’s very tricky, very hard to do. So I’m going to move this out of the way, so, and start by sharing with you a scenario that just happened in the last week or so. I want to make sure the situation is here because the situation or the circumstance that we go through on a daily basis matters. But it’s also important to notice that how we perceive that circumstance is completely optional. Most of the time this person I coached has been desiring to have a new job for six or seven years. She has enjoyed certain parts of organization, but the culture also has been something that she has learned a lot from but wants to move on from. I also forgot to put the situation right here. She makes about 135 K a year and I feel like that is an important situation or circumstance to point out right? Because this is someone that most of us may think if someone makes 100 and 35 K. A year, that they have certain attributes, right? They must be kind of smart, they must be a pretty good worker. They may have a lot of job experience or Education behind them, right? In order to be offered this as an employee and not be in sales or a lawyer or a doctor. Right? So this is not a commission salary, anything, this is straight up salary that she gets. So recently she applied to 10 different jobs and She applied to 10, she got called by one and she was like, I can’t believe this this is my dream job. And I got called by them. She got an interview and within six days she got a job offer and the job offer was exactly the same as her current salary and her current benefit, right? So same salary and benefits, Everything is equal. The only thing that’s changed is she views this job to have possibilities that she would love to be in in the future, right? She’s wanting to up level she wants to be engaged in great work. And here she all of a sudden gets a call, wasn’t expecting it because she’s had no people calling Even before these 10. But look at what her brain served up to her in this process and the amazing craziness that our brains can do to us as we go through this process of up leveling our work. So these were all just stray thoughts that came from her mouth. That came through a couple of messages along this journey, right? So she gets this job offer and she’s excited, right? So she says, I can’t believe it, I got the job, I’m in shock and then, you know, it goes on to, you know, this never happens, wow, right, That kind of thought. And then she’s like, oh, I don’t know what to do now. They offered my current salary. And so then all of a sudden it’s like, so there’s this amazing this, then it’s like, wait a second, they offered my current salary. It isn’t more money, but it is my desired next step, right? She’s been wanting this for years, this chance to really take charge. And then she stopped and she’s like, wait, what am I doing? Maybe I don’t really want this job, right? And after she had had these initial thoughts, I waited a day and asked another question, like, so, what’s the latest? Right. And that’s when the self sabotage started kicking in, and I’m going to call it self sabotage, and not inspiration right now, right? Because I could tell from the way the responses were coming in that we were not yet to inspiration. So maybe my job isn’t so bad and you have worked on your mind and had a few dangling carrot moments where you thought it would get better and it didn’t get better. After all this mindset work and changing up certain things, right? Certain things just didn’t change. The organization is what it is, right? And no matter what you do, there’s certain things that just won’t change. So you get to decide whether you’re fine with that or not. Right? Then she said, I got a huge compliment last week. Maybe things will work out where I am, right. This happens once in a while when you have a job maybe once every month for most jobs, sometimes you can go three months without a good compliment on your work and then a family member may need to live with us this summer. I could walk into the same work situation that I’m in and when I saw those thoughts, I was like, wait a second. She has this situation already with her current job. Some of these things are constant regardless of the job. So the brain is starting to serve up all these reasons and there’s a reason. It’s serving it up. And that’s because some new emotions are taking place. Some emotions that haven’t been felt in a long time because someone actually wants her to work for them. They want her to come contribute to the organization. And this is scary, right? Mhm. So, I’m going to come over here and we’re going to take a closer look at what’s going on because we are super smart and we get very good. It’s serving up reasons to ourselves on why we should and shouldn’t do something. It’s so important to face what you cannot change, right? And this is again one of those areas of discernment because it’s kind of like the book, I can’t remember who wrote it, who moved my cheese, a very short book. But the mice start going to where they thought there should be cheese to eat and there becomes a wall or something or there’s no cheese and they keep going there, even though there’s no cheese because that’s where the cheese had been before. Until I think one of the mice realizes, wait a second who moved the cheese like it’s not here. And they go looking for a different place to access the cheese and they eventually find it. Meanwhile, someone keeps expecting different results from doing the same thing by looking at cheese in an area. And so it is, it’s really important and to decide if you’re okay, if it doesn’t change. And that’s one of the points I hope comes from taking a look at the self sabotage that occurs in these situations, is that if you go through the process and realize, wait a second, this isn’t fear I’m having right now, this is no kidding, I’m not supposed to be going to do this, like there’s a reason, but helps to take that moment to take a look at what emotion we’re making the decision from. Is it an emotion of fear, that kind of thing, or of not wanting to have discomfort? Or is an emotion coming from? You know, you really do want to do it? You really, I think it is the great next step, but something is telling you this is not right. Um, no matter what you are able to face, right? So I decided I’m gonna pull one of these thoughts that comes up in this process and that is, you know, I should probably stay here or if I leave my job, I might fail. Which is probably one of the most likely beliefs and thoughts going on underneath all of those other things. I just showed right that I might fail and guess what you’re correct. You may, you may fail. You also may fail and the work you’re doing right now, right? You could get laid off and you’re trying to hold on to it, but you could still get laid off or you could do something that rubs someone the wrong way, still get laid off. Like this is true. No matter what right, we could always fail. Most of us have in our life. That’s why we’ve gotten to where we are right, going through that failure process or that mistake process and experimenting. Until we find the thing that works. If we have the belief that we may fail, there’s a certain emotion that that causes and it’s important to identify it. So we could be worried if we think we’re going to fail, we might hesitate on taking action, We’re gonna be afraid like there’s all kinds of things that we could feel when we have that thought that I might fail. It’s helpful to just choose one. We don’t need to choose all of them, right? So I’m gonna choose one. I’m gonna choose, afraid whether we like it or not. Sometimes that’s underlying everything that we’re going through and when we are afraid. It’s very interesting to see what we do in these situations. And so just making sure that when we talk about fear in this context, we’re going to talk about how she wanted to move on from a different job to a different job. She actually gets a job offer for a different job. And then her mind is serving up all of these reasons, you know why there’s something wrong with this, even though prior to this, she thought there was something wrong with the situation she was currently in. So what kind of behaviors do we engage in when we’re afraid in this situation? When we have a chance to uplevel our work, do something we’ve always wanted to do and then it’s actually presented to us well, I have a few thoughts and pay attention to this and see what you think because and see if this is what you do. Suddenly some of us when we are afraid of going into that next position, we’ve become really good drama creators, we become very good Hollywood script artists, right? Whatever they’re called, scenario creation right in our minds, we start serving up all of these different scenarios. They’re very intricate, right? We we think of every little possible thing that could be wrong with the new position and we think of how we could fail and oh wait, maybe they won’t have as much support for me, maybe the same things will happen to me here and then we also serve up scenario creations for our current job. Well someone was nice this week, maybe they’ll still like the project work I’m doing, oh you know what, it’s not so bad, I can do it for another five years and we can get very detailed on these little scenarios. We can also start becoming really good accountants all of a sudden, right, calculating the costs of change, right? Like, oh let’s let me compare every exact little benefit. Let me, like, go into, um, scenarios I’ve never even thought of before, they’re suddenly important. I’m going to become a really good accountant at every single trade off that I’m making. Okay, let’s, that’s another one, right? You get really good at identifying trade offs and risks, right? Like suddenly you have become project manager extraordinaire, thinking of every possible risk challenge trade off, Then you’re giving up thing, you lose, I’m going to put over here. You will also engage in this behavior of questioning your desires. Have you done that? Like, you know what, why did I desire the change anyway? Why did I think I could do that? Who do I think I am? You know, a good point. Debra Yeah, sometimes it does contradict your top priorities and this is where questioning your desires can be good right to go, wait, is that really what I desired? You know, what do I really want? And sometimes that can help you in this quest to go, Oh, I’m discovering what I really want, what I really value. But it’s all part of this calculation scenario creating questioning your desires, right? We can ramp up our excuses. And what is the result of all of this? Right? When we think I might fail were little fearful of it. We start engaging in this mind drama where we’re creating scenarios, we’re looking at the trade offs, the risks, the questioning ourselves and our desires and what’s wrong with me? Why can’t I figure this out And here I have this offer all these things. Well, there’s a few things that can happen, right? We can decide. We want to accept our current job, right? You know what? This has taught me that I am comfortable in my job. This has taught me that I should be more grateful whatever it can be, all those things except your current work. Be careful here. Because it can also cause you to glamorize your current work when for all this time you haven’t glamorized it. And suddenly in your mind it switches to instead of taking the next step, you can glamorize your work okay? And that only lasts so long. We all know this, right? You think that’s right, there’s gonna be so much potential, that kind of thing. And then we find ourselves a week later going, oh I’m right back to where I felt before before I had this opportunity. Pay attention to these things. And I know, as I said at the beginning, it’s very difficult to discern if it’s inspiration that’s keeping you from taking this step or if it is fear. Um these are very closely related many ways because it springs up the same things inside of us, right? That’s that um, excitement and fear kind of have that same emotion tied to them on the spectrum is just that one of them keeps you staying put or making different decisions than the excitement might make you. What I like to think about as I went through this thinking through it today is if any of you have seen on the home improvement shows where they have one called Love It or list it. One of the spouses thinks that the house should be sold. One of them thinks if there were just some modifications made that it would be better. And so they go through the process of updating the house while simultaneously having a guy take them around to look at other houses. And it’s always fascinating when I have I go on a binge watch of those about once a year, right? And to figure out what they’ll choose because it’s all based upon feelings, right? I mean we think it’s all in fact, but it’s not because people start off the show saying, well we need to move because this is too far from work, There’s not enough space, I don’t have trees or bump up above by the end of it. The process shows them what they really care about and sometimes they’re willing to trade off going a little bit further distance if they get this great property or something. And they surprise themselves. But the process of thinking it through and thinking through the inspirations and the fear aspects and that kind of thing, really teaches us what we actually most value and that’s why it’s important to feel this fear, I think right, but to recognize it and go, oh, I’m in a fear mode. I need to really get close to myself and go, what, what’s going on with this fear. Because as I worked through this fear, maybe as you do your scenario creation and everything, you do discover that, you know, I do just need to have a little more gratitude and show up differently at work and maybe it’s just fine, maybe there’s nothing wrong here and I don’t need to make a change. And I had to go through this process to learn about the possibilities. And so I love that, love it or list it because sometimes the people more often than not decide to stay in their current home, they just needed someone to help them take a look at that space differently and readjust it for themselves. And so it’s very fascinating. One of the and that’s right here. A result. A result can be that you shift your thought, right, that you start shifting out of the I might fail into. I’m figuring this out. Oh, this is interesting. I think it’s a little bit painful at work, but I think I kind of want to stay here and just show up appreciating it more and it’s okay because I do have someone with cancer in the family and if I’ve worked here for a while, it may be better when I ask for time off to go assist or oh, I am going to have lots of visitors this summer or a child staying for the summer. Maybe I’ll have more flexibility if the employer already knows me, you know, So maybe like discover why they’re having the angst and that will be inspiration or you could have the opposite from that go, you know what I’m afraid right now. But I was also afraid when I took the job that I currently have and look at me now, I know more, I’ve done more, I can claim more experience and I’m ready for this next adventure and notice how in this process. I’m not showing you what the right answer is because it’s going to be different for everyone. But what I’m hopeful that I’m showing you is that there was self sabotage occurring as all of these thoughts were being thought through, that the brain was serving up all kinds of reasons all of a sudden that hadn’t been served up a week or two before, when there was no offer, right? Even though those circumstances were the same, right? But now that we’re here to just be able to give ourselves some some grace, some space and time to go, you know what? This is completely normal. My brain is doing exactly what it’s supposed to do. Its alerting me to danger and now that I know that and now that I know that I’m afraid I’m worried, I’m hesitating, I can sit back and go, okay, my brain is doing what it’s supposed to do and I just need to sit here with it so that I can really try to get the inspiration going versus the perspiration, right? The fear. And I specifically wanted to share this scenario with you today because I don’t know the answer that my friend has given to the new organization. So I can’t wait to tell you what she decides. But I know that because she is aware of what’s going on with all of those thoughts. Like I mean and think about this is hardly any of the thoughts, right? But that’s just a few of them how she goes from excitement to the fear. What am I doing? I should just stay put. And now she at least had further conversations to go, you know, despite my circumstances, despite my situation, I might want to try this or it could be, maybe I will wait, so stay tuned on the answer. I love that. I don’t know the answer and I’m showing you that the answer will not be right or wrong according to what you. And I think right now, right, this is something she gets to work through. But just to notice that we all do this in our behaviors when we’re up leveling. Um, we get really focused sometimes now some others may get really scattered and go off on another thought, right and have another emotion. But a lot of you that will watch this will know that Yeah. All of a sudden when I’m afraid I’m going to get into that cost, calculating, questioning my desires and creating all these scenarios of what’s gone wrong or the ins and outs. We get very analytical perhaps. And so pay attention to that and just be aware you don’t have to change anything right now. Just be aware that that’s what’s going on and your brain is doing what is perfectly designed to do and that’s to keep you safe. But you are move your desk. Er so you’re not going to play it safe all the time, right? You’re going to take risk, you’re going to do the experiments, that kind of thing. Okay, my friends, I am behind on a couple of comments. Yeah, Brenda, Will she regret if she does not take the new job? We don’t know, do we? But if you don’t take it from a place of fear, we’re pretty sure there will be regrets. What questions can you ask yourself to help you examine your fear? Okay, so the first thing you can do is just notice it go, wow, am I afraid is it because I think I might fail like why am I afraid of this? She’s had a lot of jobs, she’s had a lot of experiences, she’s had a lot of setbacks, very well educated has led many initiatives, that kind of thing so she can examine, is this a typical feeling I get? Is this something I do, right? Is this something I pull back every time I get a job offer and to just notice it and often I do not know until I give an answer until I make a decision and to trust that in making the decision, you will then know the answer, right? The answer doesn’t often come in the limbo right? It comes after you said I’m going to make this decision and after you make it sometimes the incitement increases, sometimes there’s temporary fear and then excitement and sometimes you’re like, whoa, very clear. Now, that wasn’t the right choice. I am just feeling awful an awful, not in a way of oh I actually might fail. I’m you know though I decided to do this, it’s awful the way of like, no, no, I think inspiration, it’s showing me I’m getting a spiritual nudge that this is the wrong way. So those are that’s a good question. I think that would be something that would be good to address. I think I’m gonna write that down is something to think about. What kind of questions do I ask myself to find this out about myself jealous of my handwriting. That’s great robert. I’m a lefty and you can read my writing. So I consider that as a win. Thank you for those who joined today or that listen to this later. I hope you share your thoughts, your insights where you agree, where you disagree, because this is something I’ve realized it’s constant and that’s why I shared upfront that her salary is 135K. Because this is not something that gets resolved. If you go from making 30 K to 60 to 9200, I talked to people that make 500 k and are still having concerns about how they feel, how they work, that kind of thing. And so it’s something that will always be with us. It’s part of that opposition that accompanies everything we do and how do you use that to propel you forward? As you notice that now kidding part of up leveling part of moving into better work is having this fear and facing that fear and working on the beliefs we have, which are thoughts, right? That’s what our beliefs are. There is a series of thoughts or when we say thought so much that we actually believe it or we hear a thought and we actually believe it. I am going to include a link in this to a Youtube video about ladder thoughts that help you when you’re having this kind of thought. Like specifically sit down and work on, okay, how do I get from this thought to the thought? I really want to have right kind of an uh affirmation or aspiration kind of thought. How do I get there? Because it can be a process. Sometimes our mind immediately jumps to the aspiration and sometimes it does not believe it. So it helps to create in between thoughts that we believe toward helping us train ourselves to get to that thought we want to believe, Okay, have a great day. I invite you to go to move your desk dot com if you’d like to sign up to have an individual session like this for free, or you can send me a message if you would like to come on live next week and be coached on something you’re working on with your work. And I want, you know, I coach on anything, but I really love what it has to do when you’re trying to move into new work. Uplevel your work because that’s a great teacher, teaches you a lot about yourself and what you learn about yourself in work, helps with relationships and with money and with all the things. Okay, have a great day. Thank you for joining. Talk to you soon. Bye. Thanks for listening to the show today. If you enjoyed it, I’d love if you’d write a review and share the show with your friends, sign up for a weekly nudge at move your desk dot com. Mhm.